Friday, April 22, 2011

Creatures lurking (a little better look)

I have creatures lurking in the dark recesses of my mind.  They debilitate me with the fear that I can not do anything well.  This has been a thorn in my side my whole life.  The fear that I am not creative or smart.  I struggle with this on a daily basis.  I have learned over the years not to let the creatures take complete control but every now and then they do get out of hand and I have to work on getting them back were they belong.  I have struggled the last few months with them and have learned that I am not as dumb as I think I am.

I am intimidated  by my very intelligent husband and my smart children ( I don't just mean their mouths). My siblings and my parents are very smart and very creative as well.  So why do I feel I do not measure up in those categories? I struggled to read and print anything as a kid I told my mom that my head hurt or my eyes were tired.  I was not lying just stretching the truth a bit so she would help me with my home work.  I would memorize what she read to me and regurgitate it back to the teacher. This went on for many many years.  It was not until I was in 10th grade that they did testing on me.  While I was "reading", I skipped a page and the teacher found me out.  The testing showed that I was dyslexic.  I was sent to resource. I was too advanced for my class mates and ended up being board.  The teacher gave me different tasks to do instead and I ate it up. I was learning and enjoying it.  Summer came and I still could not read very well and I could print but I could not write in cursive.  I worked very hard that summer. My mother would give me books to read and she would help me get through them.  The Little House Series were among the first.  My mother helped me through them all.  I got a kindergarten writing tablet and a cursive work book and I did 3 lessens a day.  I would write the names of my family members. I would write the words to songs or anything I could copy.     My mother would say many years later that I had the prettiest penmanship. My dad would help me with the math.  He would ask me at random times what something x something was.  It would take me a  bit but I would get the answer.  Math was very difficult for me but I really did like it the best as numbers are true and the rules for simple math do not change or have exceptions.  I have to say that is why English is not at all what I like.  Spelling and punctuation very hard with too many exceptions to the rules and not all words are spelled how they sound. I have to  read really fast because I have to read a page three times to make sure I comprehend what it is saying.  So I  read a page three times to a normal persons once.   I do creative processing to get from point A to point B.  My husband will ask why didn't you just do it this way? Well for one, it never accord to me that I could do it that way.  I say well who cares how it is done as long as the result are the same.  So in retrospect I have to say:  'I do measure up and  I do fit in as a smart and creative person.'   I just have to remind myself of that sometimes.  So Creatures go back to the dark place and give me some peace for awhile.  Until next blog...


P S Had very intelligent husband fix the format so it is not one long incomplete sentence. Thanks very much my sweet tarnished knight for rescuing me again.

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